Tangney (2000, 2002) identified key features of humility:
-
Accurate sense of self, both strengths and limitations
- Ability to acknowledge errors and shortcomings
- Openness to advice and new experience
- Keeping self in perspective, even forgetting the importance of self
- Appreciation of others
Peterson and Seligman observed that humble individuals do
not “willfully distort information in order to defend, repair, or verify their
own self-image.” It is about being sufficiently objective about one’s own
behavior that we can respond to challenges to our behaviors, viewpoints and opinions in a
non-defensive manner.
There are several areas where lack of humility causes
distress:- Relationships—John Gottman identifies two destructive relationship patterns: Contempt and Defensiveness. A contemptuous person attempts to gain superiority by putting other people down, whereas a defensive person blames others for their shortcomings and blocks all feedback and interpersonal learning. Marriage becomes a constant battle ground when partners rely on these patterns of interaction.
- Medical care and therapy—many illnesses have a behavioral component that is often very hard to change. Despite costly consultations and the weight of “empirical evidence,” people often persist in thinking that the experts don’t really understand them and that they are unique exceptions who can defy the odds and continue with their lifestyles. Einstein said the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” Humility allows us to accept feedback and make changes for the better. Likewise, practitioners who reject the lived experience of their patients cannot provide truly compassionate care.
- Society—with too much self-admiration and unhealthy competition, risk-taking and cheating become problems in the workplace and the community (Twenge and Campbell, The Narcissism Epidemic, 2009). The current polarization of the political system and the role of special interest groups in perpetuating certain social problems are examples.
Perhaps you know a person who insists it is the world that is wrong and
that only correct viewpoint is their viewpoint. Despite their evident suffering, they are
being extremely prideful in not being able or willing to acknowledge they could be
part of the problem. When we look instead at problems as between people rather than within
people, humility is possible. You don’t have to be wrong so I
can be right.
Dr. Hanson encourages taking a “panoramic, big-picture view
of situations” to understand our own role and contribution in the bigger
network of human interaction, politics, and economics. When we can accept the
opinions, viewpoints, and needs of others as equally important as our own, then
we can begin to approach the beauty of humility.