Week 4: Relax

Fight, flee or freeze. The stress response serves us well when there is real danger, but it wears us down when it is activated too often and without adequate recovery. Chronic disease and degenerative disorders result. Stress kills.

Recovery is mediated through the relaxation response. Returning to a natural balanced state is recuperative and essential for health maintenance.

Techniques for relaxation are numerous and diverse. My favorite is exercise. Walking with the dog for an hour every day has multiple benefits: in addition to developing strength and aerobic capacity, a walk with the dog allows me to get outside, enjoy the most uncomplicated relationship in my life, and let go of tasks and other demands. When I have not gotten out with the dog for a day or two, she is visibly sad and acts more needy. Her reminders keep me on track. It always helps to have partner and the dog is my best buddy in this regard.

Other relaxation techniques include:

• yoga and tai chi
• massage
• progressive relaxation
• breath work (awareness or following the breath, deep breathing, counted breathing)
• meditation
• visualization of safe places where you feel relaxed and free of burdens
• autogenics and biofeedback
• organizing and simplifying your life
• talking with a trusted friend
• working with your therapist to address coping skills, negative beliefs, and cognitive errors.

Relaxation not only allows us to recover from stress, it also enhances performance: the cellist is less fatigued in performing a long piece when her arms and bow grip are relaxed; the golfer has a smoother swing when he lets go of tension; the dancer moves with more grace and fluidity; the supervisor loosens her grip of control and allows new ideas and procedures emerge from her staff.

There was a phrase that was popular a few years ago: "don't sweat the small stuff" followed by the admonition "its all small stuff." That doesn't really cut it with me. I want my surgeon and car mechanic to take their work seriously, I value efficiency and performance, I demand ethical and responsible leadership. There is no denying that the work we do for our jobs and our families is important work. But to do that work as effectively as possible we need to take care of ourselves.

The goal of relaxation is not to avoid stress altogether, to escape from responsibility, or to lower our aspirations. The goal is to recover from and become more resilient to the inevitable challenges of human existence. Leonardo daVinci got it right: "Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer."

We are continuing to work on Being for Ourselves through taking time for ourselves, noticing the good, being compassionate to self, and now relaxing. The practice folds on itself and becomes stronger.

Week 3: Have Compassion for Yourself

 

Compassion for self is something we can learn as adults even if we were not nurtured compassionately as children.

The well-loved child is understood, held and cherished. They are beautiful and smart because they are always loved.

Imagine yourself holding an infant. You hold the child in your left arm and wrap your right arm gently around the child.

The baby’s cheek is pressed against your heart and you gently pat the child’s back. You might hum or whisper something soothing.

The baby falls asleep and for a moment you merge into one.

Compassion is like that. It banishes the separation between individuals; for a moment you share all that is needed—gentle rocking and a moment of peace. A bond grows out of that togetherness and all you want is the child’s safety and well-being.

We cannot stay infants forever, however, and we go out into the world where perhaps we are not noticed, certainly not loved. We feel the pain of separation in the silent stares, the lack of recognition, the slights incurred by strangers. We seek consolation by idealizing persons we admire. We feel disappointed in ourselves when they fail as if we acted in error.

Kindness can heal the pain of loss and separation. We can offer kindness to others perhaps, but can we offer it to ourselves?

Place your hand on your heart and feel the warmth. Pat yourself as you would a beloved child and think or say the Loving Kindness meditation. “May I be filled with loving kindness, may I be safe, may I be well, may I be happy.”

Daily practice of loving kindness can help release us from fears and worries. As we hold ourselves and our strong emotions in compassionate embrace, we let go of identifying with the emotion. Anger and fear are a part of life, we are not angry, fearful people. We invite the anger and fear to tell us what we need to hear. Perhaps it is an injustice or imbalance that needs to be addressed. Perhaps it is a lack of information or a miscommunication. We can let anger and fear guide us toward change. These emotions subside when we let them serve their purpose.

Namaste.

Week 2: Take in the Good

This week an unusual thaw with rain and fog came to the Midwest and obliterated the landscape and winter recreation. Ice melted on rivers and lakes, ski trails turned to mush and then to ice, and winter enthusiasts started worrying about upcoming plans and events.

The practice this week is to Take in the Good, even as the natural world challenges us. When the weather turns foul, our plans could easily be foiled, our moods dashed, our relationships tested.

Dr. Hanson reminds us that the human brain has a built-in negativity bias and that historically our survival depended on our sensitivity to real or potential danger and misery. The mind attuned to danger takes precautions against predators and invaders, gathers and stores food and firewood in preparation for winter's scarcity, protects and defends offspring not yet able to defend themselves. At best we end up with safe and secure families and nations, at worst we end up with jealous, selfish and paranoid habits and institutions on one hand, and technology-enslaved helicopter parents who refuse to let their children grow up on the other.

When we temper the negativity bias with attention to the good, our moods improve, our relationships improve, and our resilience in times of stress improves.

My suggestion is to pay closer attention to sensory experience and take delight in the colors, sounds, textures, and aromas in the environment. For instance, this week to distract myself from the black snowbanks and salt-encrusted pavement, I turned my attention to the sky which happened to be a brilliant blue that day. In turning my gaze toward the good, more good was revealed--the sight of a bald eagle circling over the river--a common sight in Eau Claire, WI to be sure--but one easily missed if focus remains on the ugly roadways in a January thaw. Another example is the fog that comes when humidity is high and temperatures are low. The color of the fog is whitened by the snow below and begs for wool of the same hue to knit a cozy sweater.

The mindfulness  practice for this week is to notice, name and recall positive experiences. Martin Seligman, founder of Positive Psychology, advocates this practice and recommends making at least three observations per day. You can note them in a journal or on a calendar. A nice project that could be done with a child or an elderly parent is to write down a nice experience each day and add the notes to a special jar. The "piggy bank" can be opened on a future rainy day.

I like to collect my observations and organize them into sensory poems like this:

Pink fleece, classmates clowning, cello ensemble seeps into hall
Black dog, lazing in the sun, warmth thaws my icy fingers
Green spruce, quivering with jays, shadow protects snowy path
Blue sky, eagle soaring, indoor fountain babbles
Gray fog, squirrels checking stashes, dry corn changes places
Brown fur, girl drying her horse, friends giggle ready to dance
Red sweater, everyone working, quiet comforts

Staying focused on the here-and-now experience reduces worry, naming reduces judgment, and description deepens appreciation. Notice the good all around and you will notice "its all good."

Have a week filled with many sensory details! Keep working on being for yourself and taking in the good.

Week 1: Be for Yourself

I love movies, especially ones with strong themes of inner strength and resilience. My two favorites for this year are Life of Pi and Les Miserables. In both cases, survival depended on personal strength and resourcefulness, and involved spiritual awareness and reflection.

However, there are major differences in the protagonist of each movie. Piscine "Pi" Molitor came from a loving home, was cherished and supported, and schooled himself in multiple religious traditions. Throughout his ordeal he maintained his compassion for the tiger, the enemy within so to speak. Upon his rescue he mourned the loss of the fierceness that he so depended upon for survival. However, throughout his ordeal, he practiced gratitude for his life and for gifts of rainfall, fish and other sea creatures, and natural beauty and wonder, all of which sustained him in equal measure. Once returned to safety he went on to university studies and eventually married and had a family. He was "for himself" but neither selfish nor self-serving. In many ways, the character of Pi demands that we challenge our notions of selfhood and goodness which are often culturally bound and encapsulated by religious beliefs

In Les Miserables, truly a study in misery at multiple levels, we meet Jean Valjean, a man of heroic virtue, who suffers 20 years on the chain gang for stealing bread for his sister's children. He is haunted by the relentless pursuit of Javert who seeks to uphold the unjust, inhumane laws soon to be overturned by the French Revolution. Valjean is inspired to do for others by the forgiveness and kindness he receives from a priest, but he never forgives himself and ultimately sacrifices his old age and the comfort of family out of shame and fear. He could befriend and care for others, but not himself. We are moved by his compassion and kindness, and weep for the loss of his goodness and decency. We want to embrace him and extend care to him as he, above all others, is so deserving of forgiveness, gratitude, and kindness.

Nonetheless we are all as deserving of loving kindness as the escaped convict Valjean, and to the extent we can extend that care to ourselves, we are better able to extend care to others. We often fight the need to care for self as "selfish" or "self-centered" and exhaust ourselves in doing for others, often beyond their actual need or demand. In "Being for Ourselves" we can alleviate pain and suffering in the world in the benevolent attitude that emerges naturally from caring for ourselves.

This week's goal is to become more mindful of ways in which we can 'be for ourselves.' I recommend a simple meditation practice: apply hand lotion, so necessary in winter when skin can become chapped and sore, with grateful deliberation. Massage each finger and give thanks for the hands that are able to do so much. Study the lines in your palms, the nicks and scars and spots of age, each and every joint. Your hands are a miracle and so are you. Touch your hands with tenderness so that they may continue to touch the world and bring forth the magic of your unique talents.