Week 18: Be Grateful

The end of the spring semester is close at hand and stress may be accumulating as students finish projects, face final exams, make decisions that loom with every academic "edge." Some students may be in playoffs or competitions or recitals or final performances of one sort or another. They worry if they will be "good enough?" I wonder if they are "grateful enough?"

One of the ways people may cope with stress is by complaining. Do any of the following complaints sound familiar?

• Do I have to?
• Will this be on the exam?
• Its too hard.
• I don't want to and you can't make me.
• I am nervous and angry and afraid I will fail.
• I have so much to do!
• I just want to sleep in for a change.
• People expect too much.
• wah, wah, wah!

The whining is intended to solicit sympathy and caretaking. In some cases maybe it will get us off the hook for following through on what we started.

But if you are in school, playing sports, involved with music or drama, or getting ready for the next big adventure, you are very lucky! It is truly a privilege to be endowed with opportunities and making the most of those opportunities is what separates winners from losers.

Dealing with stress with an attitude of gratitude sounds something like this:

• Wow, this is going to be awesome!
• I am nervous and excited and eager to do my best.
• Its scary, but I have done my homework/practice/planning and feel ready.
• I am fortunate to have a good school and good teachers (or good workplace and good coworkers).
• When people have high expectations of me, that means they believe I can do it.
• Things could be worse.

Living a life of constant negativity and pessimism drags you down and drags down the people around you. Everyone begins to feel angry and frustrated. The bad mood is contagious. Pretty soon you are living in Eeyore's gloomy place.

The darned thing is that complaining can sometimes be the right thing to do: an injustice committed, a condition intolerable, someone's behavior being indecent or rude. However, we need to ask why we are complaining. Good reasons are feeling hurt, degraded, or humiliated. A bad reason, always, is envy.

When people see success as an either/or situation (ie., either you are successful or I am successful), competition is set up. It can be healthy or unhealthy. Healthy competition is "let's go at it and each do our best and fete the best outcome." Unhealthy competition is "I need to be the best and I will do anything to make sure that I come out on top." Unfortunately, I see all too much of that among today's high school students, with envious, driven parents asserting that their child is "the best" beyond doubt, even though their child may be struggling to live up to expectations.

So there may be some basis for the child's whining: are they are saying they do indeed doubt they are the best and have severe worries about themselves? One of my daughter's piano teachers took great alarm that I told my daughter after a difficult recital "there were a couple little problems that you can fix in the future, but overall it was just fine" rather than gushing with false praise. As it is, my daughter says she doubts our feedback is authentic because we are biased, but I remind her that my occassional criticisms should earn her trust as my praise is not unqualified.

So if complaining has become a habit, especially under stress, try the following:

• Seek support (get extra tutoring/mentoring/assistance, set limits on social demands, ask for help, prioritize, manage your time well)
• Be action oriented and solution-focused
• Cultivate an optimistic outlook
• Be grateful for all you have and all you are able to do.

Work hard, have fun!