Week 22: Be Mindful

Mindfulness is a core skill that has multiple benefits: increased ability to pay attention, more self-awareness and empathy for others, fewer negative emotions, a stronger immune system, less pain and improved recovery from surgery. Becoming more mindful of your inner and outer world involves being aware without being attached. This means that you notice more and react less. A good resource for learning how to be more mindful is Steven Hayes book, Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life.

In the Chapter on Letting Go, Dr. Hayes makes the point that a barrier to mindfulness is an unwillingness to sit with uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. Willingness is reflected in the ability to tolerate the silence, the pause, the inactivity, the stillness. It means not squirming and fussing or jumping up at the next available opportunity. It means greeting, even welcoming, uncomfortable thoughts and feelings rather than trying to avoid them. Trying to avoid painful feelings inevitably leads to more pain and ultimately to a sense of victimhood and suffering.

In my own meditation practice recently, I recalled the scary "what now?" apprehension between each breathe as I sat at the bedside of my father and then my mother-in-law who died in quick succession. With each of them, their final breathing was labored and often paused for "long" intervals (20 seconds perhaps). The silence between breaths was terrifying. "What now? Is this the end? Is s/he in pain? How will I react?" The thoughts came up without effort. It would have been so easy to attach to one of those thoughts and gotten carried away on the "mind train" of worry: "I won't be able to stand it. It will be horrible. I can't stay here a moment longer. I'm a terrible person to think of leaving at a time like this." How did their dying become about me?

Sogyal Rinpoche in The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying wrote: "Just as the ocean has waves, or the sun has rays, so the mind's own radiance is its thoughts and emotions. The ocean has waves, yet the ocean is not particularly disturbed by them. The waves are the very nature of the ocean." My first meditation teacher would gently remind us that thoughts and feelings would inevitably come up because it is "the nature of mind."

It is not our thoughts and feelings themselves but our reaction and attachment to those thoughts and feelings that creates suffering. In becoming more mindful, we learn to bob on the waves of thought and feeling, and simply observe. As we observe mindfully, we can more readily calibrate the necessary response and then catch the wave when the time is right.

Part Three-Build Strengths: Week 21 Find Strength

We are transitioning now into Part Three and will focus on Building Strengths. Strength in Dr. Hanson's view is determination, grit, endurance, forbearance, and restraint. He develops the image of a deeply rooted tree withstanding a storm of "the winds of life."

Do you know what your strengths are? What is your starting point? What do you want to build? Where do you want to go? Are you fueling your strengths with healthful physical practices?

Start with a self-inventory: make a list of your personal resources. It may look something like this--

• good with animals
• enjoy the arts
• honest and responsible
• hardworking

If your list is short, ask someone you trust to help you further your inventory. Every person you know will appreciate something different. You may have strengths to which you are blind. It might look something like this--

• generous
• kind to others
• good listener

Did you realize that others appreciate these things about you? Have you allowed yourself to feel their appreciation? Do you get accurate reflections of who you are from the people in your life? Do you surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive? Are you nurtured and strengthened by the love of others? Lao Tzu said "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage." Choose your friends wisely and develop a family of people who love and accept you.

Ask yourself how you use your strengths. How do you feel when using your strengths? How were you discouraged from using your strengths in the past? How do you hide your strengths as a result?

In Buddhist philosophy, using your strengths for Right Living on The Noble Eightfold Path ultimately yields good results, namely Enlightenment or Freedom from Suffering. Being strong may mean resisting temptation or making better choices or delaying instant gratification or going with the flow or being flexible and tolerant.

However, choosing to continue to suffer is not a sign of strength. Suffering is not a virtue and you are not obliged to suffer. Check out this video from Brad Yates for more on this topic.

Week 20: Get Excited

Dr. Hanson observes that our natural ability to feel excitement can get extinguished by "wet blankets"--the sourpusses in life that tell us to settle down and put a lid on it. How tedious! Excitement is a natural state for children and reclaiming our enthusiasm and positive energy is a worthwhile goal.

For me, I find excitement in travelling and going new places. I love the planning, the preparation, and the packing. I even like going through security--I pass through the gate with reverence and anticipation. And then we are off! I have had good arrivals and some not so good, but I have always worked out the difficulties and felt all the more satisfied for the adventure of it all.

One thing I have noticed is that travelling alone is especially satisfying because I don't have to deal with the limitations created by being with others with less enthusiasm, interest and curiosity. There is no apologizing for wanting to see one more thing or worrying about creating inconvenience for others.

Many people forego travel, however, because they feel awkward or afraid to go alone. They live with dull routines rather than take a risk. While we all differ in our capacity for risk-taking, sometimes we do need to push outside our comfort zones to recapture zest for living.

Maybe it is beyond your means to travel internationally, but you can try something new locally or regionally. Sign up for a class or a field trip or an excursion. The strangers you meet are just friends you haven't met yet.

My mother has said for years that she wanted to go to Italy and she never has. Unfortunately she may have missed her chance as ill health changes her options. Don't wait--find a little excitement everyday and don't let anyone rain on your parade.