By the time unloved teenagers get to be adults, they may continue trying to verify their worst image of themselves by acting accordingly. They may feel entitled to special treatment to ward off the despair of worthlessness. Or they may constantly feel the need to prove their worth through high achievement and excessive caretaking of others. In some cases, they alternate among various possibilities to our endless confusion.
People who do not love themselves are hard to be around after a while, no matter how much we try to give them the love they seek. Its like riding a roller coaster and we end up feeling used and betrayed by their neediness. "If you really loved me, you would..." is the constant unspoken expectation. But the expectation is often unrealistic and often extremely irrational.
Having healthy boundaries means taking care of your own needs through self-soothing, self-care, and self-nurturing. Being an adult means you are responsible for yourself.
The negativity bias once again creeps in and blocks self-love by distorting our thinking. Cognitive errors that impede self-love include all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralizing, filtering out the good, looking for the bad, jumping to conclusions, magnifying flaws, minimizing assets, perjorative labeling, taking everything personally and blaming yourself for EVERY thing.
The habit of monitoring your thinking for possible errors takes time to develop. Responding with a gentle "Ooops, there I go again" and looking at the situation more positively (or at least more neutrally) can reduce the intensity of negative feelings.
So this Valentine's Day, whether or not you get the roses, candy and diamonds that marketers are trying so hard to sell, you might want to look inward. Are you thinking any of the following? "I am an ugly, awkward, needy stupid JERK. No one will EVER love me. I ALWAYS end up alone. I NEVER get to celebrate Valentine's Day with anyone." Do you see the cognitive errors in that stream of negative thinking? If a friend talked that way to themselves, would you let them?
The antidote is to focus on your best features--pretty eyes, nice hands, lovely singing voice, whatever--and to take a lighter view of your flaws. Would you berate a friend the way you berate yourself? Are you really always alone? Didn't you just go out with friends last weekend? No one will ever love you? What about the friend who listens and cares for you--the love of a good friend is a priceless treasure. Are you waiting for the Prince or Princess of Your Dreams to sweep you off to some fantasy island? Why are you waiting for love? Do something loving for the next person--someone who may not expect a kind word, someone waiting just like yourself. The world is filled with wallflowers who could all have a great time together if only they would be the first to just say "Hi."
You are an adult now. Your childhood may have been unhappy, but you get to choose how to live your life now. Its hard to overcome years of faulty learning. But you are reading this blog, maybe writing one of your own, going to therapy, maybe working some self-improvement program. Choose now to be on your side (recall Week 1), to have compassion for yourself (Recall Week 2), and take in the good all around you (recall Week 3) as well as the good within you (this week).
We are all flawed as human beings; no one is exempt. Life is a journey toward accepting and transcending those flaws and not letting them get in the way of experiencing love. Be like a flower and soak up the sun and rain and nurtrients from the earth. It is all there waiting for you. “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”--Rumi
